BCIFV home > Newsletter > 1993 Archives > Fall 1993 articles

Survivors Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Parenting at Burnaby Family Life Institute

We all say "I'll never do that to my children", but the truth is we often do do it. Yelling, hitting, emotional distancing, absent moms and dads, overprotection/underprotection, emotional enmeshment and other forms of abuse continue. We repeat parenting patterns and hand them down as we do the family silver.

For years the need for parenting classes has been recognized. Only recently have we looked at the dysfunctional parenting styles that are handed down generation after generation with particular emphasis on adult survivors of abuse.

Many children who are survivors of childhood abuse - sexual, physical or emotional - grow up and become parents. Some are aware of past abuse and are very motivated to stop the dysfunction. Others, however, do not recognize until later in life that they too are survivors of abuse. The onset of children can trigger old memories of abuse, as well as intense emotional reactions to particular childhood developmental stages. For example, a parent may be coping very well until the child reaches a particular age. Now parenting issues arise; anger surfaces, power struggles increase, boundaries get blurred etc. As the child reaches the age when the parent's abuse began or stopped, the parent may for the first time recognize he or she was the victim of childhood abuse.

One of the important aspects of parenting is to enable the child to have appropriate emotional coping skills. Adult survivors have great difficulty coping with their own and their children's emotions. Identifying their own hurtful coping patterns can assist the parent in breaking the cycle and demonstrating new behaviours and new skills for their children.

Adult survivors of abuse are often motivated to parent differently and take parenting programs with varying degrees of success. However, in regular parenting classes, adult survivors can be reluctant to disclose the degree of abuse they experience as children. Therefore, Burnaby Family Life Institute recently began a parenting program that directly addresses the generational issues of parenting for adult survivors of abuse.

As one of the parents said in this new parenting class: "Now I realize why the other parenting classes didn't help as much as I had hoped. This class will be like a velcro strip - something for the other classes I took to hang onto."

Adult survivors of abuse often fall into parenting traps, adopting styles such as: overachiever, perfectionist, controller, caretaker, rebel, doormat, entertainer, baby, or worrier.

The lack of adequate parenting skills does not have to be a family trait that is handed down generation after generation. Prevention for the next generation requires parents to:

1. face the truth about their childhood (neither exaggerating nor minimizing)
2. identify inherited parenting styles that are not helpful
3. accept the need to change aspects of their parenting styles
4. do the work that is required to break destructive parenting patterns

As a therapist working with adult survivors, I see many parents who are committed to making the necessary changes to create a sound and healthy family environment. One that can be proudly handed down to the next generation along with the family silver.

Elaine Stoll, Registered Clinical Counsellor, Westside Counselling & Consulting Service