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BCFIV Perspectives
Relationships Between Parents and Children
In a broad sense, relationships between parents and children
are not time limited. The impact of our experiences as parents
and children extends beyond the years during which we are
parenting or being parented. And our ability to behave as
responsible parents is mitigated by those experiences.
When the tragic case of Verna and Matthew Vaudreuil was
in the news, for example, a great deal of attention was paid
to mother as villain, son as victim, and the social workers
who encountered them as ineffective and undereducated. This
narrow perspective, however, failed to address the victimizing,
childhood experiences that made Verna Vaudreuil into the abusive
mother she became. It failed to consider the kind of person
Matthew might have become had he survived. And it failed to
consider that, as a society, the slice of the fiscal pie usually
allocated to social services has left professionals with little
choice but to respond minimally, and often after harm is done,
rather than to intervene to prevent harm.
The staff and board of the BC Institute on Family Violence
were as appalled as other British Columbians by the Vaudreuil
case. We applauded many of the ideas in the Gove report and
support what Preston referred to as the "revolutionary proposals"
that led to the creation of the new Ministry of Children and
Families.
But we are also concerned about the potential for isolating
abuse and neglect issues within one phase of the life cycle,
and for pinning our hopes for change too strongly on the structure
of a government institution. We write in the belief that,
in order for the changes being undertaken to be effective
- never mind revolutionary - they must be informed by an improved
understanding of family relationships throughout the life
span.
Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist and an important
contributor to our current understanding of human development,
believed that the human life span consists of several stages,
and talked about a "cogwheeling of the life cycles." During
each stage of the life span, he believed, the individual faces
a psychosocial task or conflict, the resolution of which leads
to a strengthening of self and an ability to confront the
next task. Society presents opportunities for these issues
to be resolved at each stage.
For example, the first of Erikson's eight stages (covering
birth to death) involves the infant's development of trust.
For the infant who is receiving "good-enough" parenting -
and hopefully more - crying leads to Mom or Dad coming to
take care of the wet diaper or empty tummy. The more consistently
this happens, the more the infant learns to trust and to know
his or her own "trustworthiness", and is able to move on to
the next developmental task.
As successive developmental conflicts are resolved, the
child matures into a well-adjusted adult. When that adult
becomes a parent, not only does he or she have the resources
to provide what the new child needs to begin moving through
its own life cycle, but placing the child's needs first plays
a role in the parent's continued progress through his or her
own life cycle. Thus, the cycles of parent and child are mutually
supportive, propelling each other like interlocking cogwheels.
However, a catalogue of factors can interfere with an individual's
ability to mature and to parent. Perhaps a mother is being
battered or isolated; perhaps one or both parents are un-
or under-employed and preoccupied with keeping food on the
table; perhaps the parent lacks the knowledge and skills to
cope with the challenges of childrearing; or perhaps a combination
of factors have led to poor mental or physical health, substance
abuse, or a host of other problems that can mitigate any individual's
ability to parent well.
The parent who is coping with such circumstances may be
unable to respond sufficiently to Baby's every cry, so that
Baby does not learn to trust that Mom or Dad will come consistently;
he or she may require the older children in the family to
put aside their own needs and care for younger siblings, shortcircuiting
the progress of the former through each successive stage;
or he or she simply may not know how to set and enforce limits
for rebellious teenagers, preventing adolescents from learning
lessons essential to their maturation. In such situations,
the cogwheels of parent and child cannot meet and propel each
other through their respective developmental journeys, and
the cycle of abuse and neglect continues.
Seen in this light, it becomes clear that helping parents
to be good parents serves the best interests of children.
It not only serves the children of this generation; it serves
their children, who will be better parented by adults who
were supported to move through the stages of their own life
cycles in successful and timely ways. It is also in the best
interests of today's adults to ensure that the current generation
of children can be supportive of their parents as they move
toward the closing of their life cycles. And it is in the
best interest of society as a whole to help parents overcome
the obstacles preventing them from shepherding their children
to safe, productive maturity.
All of this begins with the recognition of several truths:
- First, governments do not make good parents. People do.
- That said, governments have a responsibility to protect
the youngest and most vulnerable of their citizens.
- Although children don't "belong" to anyone in a proprietary
sense, their family relationships are permanent, not transient,
and they are best able to move through their life stages
under the watchful and caring eye of their parents.
- When the parents' ability to be watchful and caring is
compromised, governments have a responsibility - in the
best interests of the child - to help parents overcome their
difficulties.
- When parents are unable to care for their children despite
government support, governments must take more drastic action.
- One of the most effective ways governments can care for
all children is by encouraging and funding education. First,
they must educate the public about alternatives to physical
punishment, the effects of family and media violence on
children, and the role of the community in upholding children's
rights; second, they must educate today's and tomorrow's
parents by providing parenting-skills programs throughout
BC.
If these truths are recognized and acted upon by the new
ministry, then it stands a chance of becoming a revolutionary
body. But this revolution in child protection will not take
place through administrative change alone. Although the structure
of an institution can either facilitate or impede the accomplishment
of its goals, that structure is far less important than the
content of its efforts.
If the tragedies of Verna and Matthew Vaudreuil, the work
of the Gove Inquiry, and the creation of the new Ministry
of Children and Families are to have meaning, then we as a
society must not focus on only the short time that our children
live with us. If we are to set our sights on achieving the
revolutionary goal of preventing child abuse, we must look
backward and forward in the lives of each parent and child,
and incorporate in our efforts everything we know about children,
families, and the intermingling of relationships throughout
the life span.
Jill Hightower, Executive Directive of the BC Institute
on Family Violence
Andrea Kowaz, Ph.D., R. Psychologist and
Lynne Melcombe, freelance writer
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