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Criminal Harassment: From the Perspective of the Target
by Sharon Velisek
In the FALL 1997 issue of the BCIFV, Sharon Velisek was
placed on a list of women who were killed at the hands of
their intimate partners. Sharon was not killed, and wanted
to share her story with us so that other women may live as
well. We thank Sharon for her contribution, both to the newsletter
and to the ongoing work to improve safety in the lives of
Canadians.
On September 23, 1995 I ended an 18 month relationship with
a man that I had met through the singles ads. I knew he was
going to find the breakup difficult, but I had no idea at
that time that it could possibly lead to the magnitude of
events that followed. On November 22, 1995, after 6 weeks
of stalking and harassing me, this man came around the corner
of my carport with a 12 gauge sawed off shotgun pointed straight
at me. After a short frantic chase around my carport, I was
shot twice, once in the arm and once in the back. I was not
dead, but pretended to be. He then shot himself, fell down
right beside me, let out a groan and died.
I have spent the major part of my last two years trying to
figure out where I went wrong, where the "system"
went wrong and where Larry (the man who shot me) went wrong.
What I have discovered is that criminal harassment dynamics
are understood and acted upon by very few people, police and
public included. The "system" in regards to criminal
harassment is in definite need of an overhaul, but that is
not what this particular article is about. I am writing instead
about how I was feeling, why I acted as I did and how to go
about changing typical reactions if you are someone's target.
Hopefully my insights will be helpful to others.
Fear, denial and guilt are the emotions that grip the target,
make it difficult for others to help and make it possible
for the perpetrator to manipulate and control. The responsibility
of the target in a stalking case is to first realize you are
experiencing these emotions, secondly, accept them and thirdly
attempt to gain some control over them. If your thoughts and
actions come from fear, denial and guilt you will only be
making matters worse for yourself by playing into the hands
of the perpetrator. The dynamics of a target's responses are
often misunderstood by the police and others who may be trying
to help. In my case there was no one who could have explained
to me what I was feeling and how to best handle these emotions.
Hindsight and personal experience have been my teachers.
The fear a targeted person feels is immense and should never
be underestimated. It creeps into every aspect of life with
every contact the perpetrator makes. Given the right context,
a single hang-up phone call can strike a paralyzing fear into
your very being. Your heart pounds, you break into a sweat,
you're nervous and anxious and then you turn numb. Fear is
your reaction to being stalked and it is exactly the reaction
the perpetrator is looking for; it is a language he instinctively
understands. Your fear gives him more control over you now
than he probably ever had, it also puts him in the driver's
seat with you as the passenger, and no way to bail out.
Guilt will also be present. I feel very guilty about being
the one to break off the relationship and cause Larry so much
suffering. Society teaches women to nurture, not torment.
Your natural reaction plays right into the hands of the perpetrator.
He relies on being able to make you feel guilty and he knows
with extreme cunning, exactly which buttons to push. Your
guilt is as useful in his manipulations as your fear.
Denial is the most problematic emotion a target will encounter.
I have found it to be a major problem with every stalking
case I have come to know in the past two years, especially
my own. Why does strong denial usually surface? The first
explanation I have discovered is that when you find yourself
in such a terrifying state of fear your body instinctively
knows that it cannot stay at this level of fear and continue
to function. The common sense reaction is to decrease the
level of fear you feel. This is effectively done by convincing
yourself that you are really not in as much danger as you
truly are. My denial was my worst enemy. I did not want to
let Larry control the way I lived. I even went so far as to
continue to walk to and from work a few days a week, until
one time when Larry found me walking and followed me along
the sidewalk, in his car for a block. He could have done whatever
he wanted to me in that situation. My denial of the level
of danger I was actually in allowed me to make the decision
of a vulnerable fool. I never walked again.
The second reason for feeling denial is a state of conflict
that has been created within you. You dated this fellow, you
had good times with him, you were intimate with him and now
here he is, the same man, obsessively trying to ruin your
life, perhaps even kill you. You're ashamed that you could
even have gone out with this fellow to begin with when you
can now see him for what he really is. How do you conquer
these inner feelings of dissonance? By convincing yourself
that he really isn't as dangerous as he is...in other words,
denial. I could not picture Larry as being the type of person
who could do such awful things to me. I was in denial. I now
realize that it was not the Larry I had been dating that was
stalking me. It was the Larry that I had broken up with that
I was dealing with. The one who was feeling self-pity, hurt,
revenge, and addictive control over and over again until he
worked himself up to the point of being able to pull the trigger.
This Larry I had never known.
How does one go about gaining control of these very powerful
emotions in a truly frightening situation? Unfortunately,
with great difficulty. But I truly believe that if you are
aware of these feelings and are at least trying to gain control
over them, you will be helping your situation far more than
if you just gave in to them.
Fear can best be controlled by gaining knowledge and taking
personal action. Find out the law regarding criminal harassment.
Determine how the police and court system are expected to
properly handle a criminal harassment investigation and then
make sure that your case is being handled properly. Have the
police do a safety check on your residence. Find out which
agencies in your area can help you with emotional support
and establish a connection. Develop a plan of action for several
worst case scenarios so that if the perpetrator does try something,
you will be mentally prepared and fear will not be your first
and only reaction. Do not wait for others to step in to help
you. Help yourself by taking some action. This will make you
feel like you have some control and say in this matter too,
not just the perpetrator.
As for the guilt you are feeling...throw it out the window.
It has no place in a stalking case. Your intuition told you
to sever the relationship and since this fellow is now stalking
you, your intuition was correct, so forget about the guilt.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. He is not stalking
you because of something that you did or did not do. He is
stalking you because his own lifelong problems go as far back
as childhood. You just happen to be an easy target that he
can blame rather than coming face to face with his own problems.
Denial is more complicated to come to terms with because
it is difficult to hear yourself being in denial plus the
fear that you are in is actually causing you to deny the level
of that fear. This can cause problems for the police, especially
the ones who are not trained in the dynamics of criminal harassment,
of which there are far too many. They will be looking for
signs of genuine fear from the target and instead your denial
will show them calm and cool. Every stalking case needs to
be considered as a potential homicide. That is the type of
serious attitude that stalking requires, not just from the
police, but the target as well. Even though you did not ask
to be put into this situation, you do not have to accept that
it is the situation you are in and your actions must be based
on reality, not denial.
As a citizen who had very little to do with crime, I relied
on the police to handle the stalking situation I was in, feeling
certain that they would know what to do. However, this was
not the case. I cannot overstate the importance of the target
themselves taking the initiative to gain control by gathering
knowledge and support from reliable sources. As the target
you have a great deal more power to influence the outcome
than you think you do. Even though you did not ask to be put
into this situation, you do have to accept that it is the
situation you are in and your actions must be based on reality,
not denial.
Sharon Velisek
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