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MYTHS and MISCONCEPTIONS about violence and abuse in gay male relationships

•Only straight women get battered; gay men are never victims of domestic violence.

• Statistics suggested are that domestic violence in gay male relationships is similar to the 1:25 reporting violence against women. Domestic violence is not a gender issue; it is an issue of power and of control, and is a violation of a person's rights.

•Domestic violence is more common in straight relationships than in gay male relationships.

• There is no reason to assume that gay men are less abusive than heterosexual men.There is the potential for abuse in any relationship.

•Gay men's domestic violence is a fight, and when two men fight, it is a fair fight between equals.

• The question may be..what constitutes fair. This assumes that both men are willing to be physically violent with each other. Also, this statement overlooks the long term damage of psychological abuse. Abuse is not only physical battering.

•It is not really violence when two men fight, it is normal, just "boys being boys".

• The male stereotype, gay or straight, supports the myth that it is okay for men to be violent and that somehow it is their nature. The truth is that there are many men, gay and straight, that do not view violence as an option. Broken bones and serious physical harm has nothing to do with "boys being boys".

•Gay men's domestic violence is just a "lover's quarrel".

• All lovers and all couples have quarrels, it is a normal part of healthy relationships. Settling quarrels by means of physical violence, threats, intimidation, and humiliation is not acceptable.

•The abuser will always be bigger and stronger, the survivor will always be smaller and weaker.

• Violence/abuse is a matter of personal choice, not body size.

•If there is a large age difference between the partners, the abuser will always be the older partner.

• Violence/abuse is a matter of personal choice, not age.

•Survivors often provoke the abuse done to them. They are getting what they deserve.

• This is a very damaging belief that often causes the survivor to stay in the relationship.The violent/abusive behaviour is solely the responsibility of the abusive partner. The survivor is responsible for staying in the relationship, but that does not make him responsible for the abuse.

•Survivors exaggerate the abuse done to them. If it were that bad, they would just leave.

• Most survivors minimize the abuse that happens to them due to guilt, shame, and self-blame. Often they are not believed. As with all people in abusive relationships, it is VERY difficult to leave, and if they leave, this is often the most dangerous time.

•Survivors of domestic violence/abuse are co-dependent.

• Domestic violence/abuse is NOT a relationship problem. Survivors are NOT partners in dependency with their abusers.The two have separate problems: the abuser is violent/abusive and the survivor is in a relationship with a violent/abusive man.

IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED

•You are not responsible for your partner's violence. He is.

• You have the right to a safe, healthy relationship and to have your own life.

• You are not alone.

YOU CAN PROTECT YOUR SAFETY BY

• Making a plan in case you have to leave quickly.

• Establishing contacts with friends and family so you have a place to go to in an emergency.

•Considering obtaining a restraining order to protect yourself.

Information provided by Jude Poirier, St. Paul's Hospital Domestic Violence Intervention Program

IF YOU ARE THE FRIEND or FAMILY OF SOMEONE BEING ABUSED

BELIEVE HIM, Even if the abuser seems nice, even if the abuse is also your friend.

LISTEN TO HIM, WITHOUT JUDGING; Do not give advice, do not express pity; reinforce that you care and will support him with whatever he needs.

EDUCATE YOURSELF, Realize that battering exists in your own community and to ignore and deny that fact further isolates the survivor.

UNDERSTAND that leaving an abusive relationship is difficult. Allow him to make his own decisions and to take back control of his life at his own pace.

OFFER him a place to stay.

ENCOURAGE HIM to seek support and assistance.

Information provided by Jude Poirier, St. Paul's Hospital Domestic Violence Intervention Program

REFERENCES:

Island, David, and Letellier, Patrick. Men who beat the men who love them: Battered gay men and domestic violence. New York: Harrington Park Press, 1991.

Community United Against Violence: Online http://www.xq.com/cuav/