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What is partner abuse?

Abuse is the use or threat to use physical, sexual, or verbal behavior to coerce the partner to do something one wants; to degrade or humiliate; to gain or maintain a sense of power or control; to act out one's anger inappropriately. Abusive behaviors may include subtle or covert harm as well as life-threatening acts of violence. Abusive behaviors create an atmosphere of intimidation in a relationship.

Abuse can be divided into three categories: physical, sexual, and psychological. Each kind can take many different forms. Our society is so tolerant of abusive behavior that we often do not even recognize some abusive behavior for what it is.

What is physical abuse?

Physical abuse is any forceful, non-consensual physical behavior. It may take many different forms. Some examples are:

• Pushed or shoved partner

• Held partner down, tied, or otherwise physically restrained partner from leaving

• Threw objects at partner that may or may not have hit her/him

• Locked partner out of the house

• Abandoned partner in dangerous places

• Refused to get partner help (such as medical attention) when she/he was sick, injured, or when she was pregnant

• Denied or interfered with partner meeting basic physical needs (such as eating, sleeping)

• Driving recklessly with partner in the car in order to intimidate her/him

• Kept partner from driving or forced partner off the road

• Harmed or threatened to harm someone or something important to partner as a way to punish her/him (such as child, pet, cherished possession)

• Tickled partner against her/his will

• Bit, kicked, pinched, or pulled partner's hair or other body part

• Hit or punched partner once, twice, or repeatedly which may or may not have resulted in visible physical injury

• Hit or beat partner with an object

• Choked partner

• Burned partner

• Threatened partner with a weapon

• Used a weapon on partner (such as stabbed or shot partner)

Note: Many of the above may not result in physical injury. The degree of injury to the partner is not what defines whether an action is abusive. It is the behavior itself and the atmosphere of intimidation that is created that defines abuse.

What is sexual abuse?

Sexual abuse is any non-consensual sexual act or behavior.

It is not just forced sexual contact. Sexual abuse, in its many forms, demeans and humiliates, making one feel shameful and exposed, particularly with regard to one's sexuality. Some examples are:

• Made demeaning remarks about partner's body or body parts

• Minimized partner's feelings about sex

• Berated partner about her/his sexual history, possibly including blaming partner for having experienced child sexual abuse or rape

• Jealousy and anger associated with the assumption that partner would be sexual with any available woman (or man)

• Sexual name calling (such as calling partner slut, whore, frigid)

• Told sexist or homophobic jokes and/or made demeaning sexual remarks

• Had sex with partner when partner was asleep, drunk, high, or otherwise diminished in capacity to consent to such activity

• Openly showed sexual interest in others while at home or in public

• Had affairs and flaunted them after agreeing to be in a monogamous relationship

• Made demeaning remarks about partner's clothing or insisted that partner dress in a more sexual way than is comfortable for partner

• Insisted on touching partner sexually when partner did not want to be touched, or forced partner to strip when alone together and/or in the presence of others

• Exposed self inappropriately to partner when alone together or when with others

• Forced particular unwanted sexual behaviors

• Forced partner to watch or have sex with others

• Forced partner to pose for sexual photographs or pornography

• Forced partner to engage in sex (rape)

• Coerced partner into having sex after an abusive incident

• Forced partner to have sex when partner was sick or it was a danger to partner's health

• Forced sex with objects or weapons

• Forced sadistic sexual acts

• Forced partner to have sexual contact with animals

*Communication about these items is necessary. Based on the particular context of a relationship, these behaviors may or may not be perceived as intimidating and abusive.

What is psychological abuse?

Psychological abuse involves hurt, anger, fear, and degradation.

The aim of such abuse is to bolster the abusive partner's sense of self-esteem by being "one up" over her partner. This behavior tends to render the partner emotionally helpless with less self-worth or ability to escape further abuse. When there is the threat of violence and/or there has been at least one act of physical or sexual abuse, the following behaviors contribute to and maintain the atmosphere of intimidation characteristic of abusive relationship:

• Ignored or belittled partner's feelings

• Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as punishment for some perceived misdeed

• Insulted partner's friends and/or family, driving them away

• Humiliated or shamed partner in private or public

• Told lies or contradictions in order to manipulate partner

• Refused to socialize with partner either by never going out with partner, or once out, totally ignoring partner

• Kept partner from working, controlled her/his money, made all the decisions, demanded that partner seek permission to do or have anything

• Refused to work or be responsible for own monetary affairs

• Limited partner's access to transportation l Destroyed, sold, or gave away things important to partner without her consent

• Abused pets to punish partner

• Punished or deprived children when angry at partner

• Controlled or limited partner's behavior and cutting partner off from support, such as keeping partner from the phone, from seeing friends or family, from being active in the community

• Threatened to hurt partner's friends or family

• Harassed partner about affairs it was imagined she/he had

•l Blamed partner for any problems (real or perceived) with the children l Threatened to hurt or kidnap the children if partner ever left l Threatened partner with harassment or violence if partner tried to leave relationship l Regularly threatened to leave or told partner to leave relationship

• Continually criticized partner, calling her/him names, shouting at partner, conveying the message that nothing the partner does is ever good enough no matter what she/he does or how hard she/he tries

• Told partner it was her/his fault when physical or sexual abuse occurred - that she/he asked for it, deserved it, liked it, etc.

Adapted from B. Zemsky and L. Gilbert, Family and Children's Services, Minneapolis, Minnesota, 1988. (Some of the above material was adapted from information provided by Family Violence Network, Lake Elmo, Minnesota, and P. B. Poorman.)