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PROGRESS REPORT ON... partner abuse

Alayne Hamilton

Victoria Family Violence Project

Those of us who are deep in the struggle to end violence need to raise our heads occasionally, look back, look forward, and ask the hard questions. . . Are we getting anywhere?

Personally, I don't see that violence is diminishing. As a society, we continue to offer ourselves and our children entertainment that promotes the use of violence and revenge. Children still learn that pain, fear and intimidation will work to get what you want, at least for those who have power in the family or on the school yard. More youth violence means more dating violence, and the cycle starts again. More girls are using violence, usually against other girls, but this just makes them more at risk for being abused.

Although there may not be less violence against women in relationships, there is more public awareness and better police protection. If a woman, or her neighbours, call the police, the man is likely to be charged and may end up in a treatment program. At the Family Violence Project we are seeing almost six times as many men referred by probation as we were 10 years ago.

Ten years later, the local Coordination Committee still meets, and we still need to, because the issues of dealing with relationship violence in the criminal system are still just as difficult. Why do women go back to violent men? Why do they resist taking the case to court? What can we do that will protect her safety but still respect her right to control her own life? We need to develop some alternatives that meet her needs better . . . or are we so sure we are right that we feel justified to impose one solution for all?

Sometimes even success has a down- side. Public education about the extent of violence against women seems to have resulted in a "backlash". Some people seem to be determined to defend men by proving that "women are just as bad". Rather than just throw mud over the fence at each other, we need to learn more about women's use of violence in relationships. Those of us who have been trying to do this by actually talking to women who use violence, are finding that many women use violence in anger or self defense against men who abuse them, and a few are the main instigators in the relationship. It's still the women who are likely to be injured and to fear for their lives.

We also need to learn more about how to stop psychological abuse. Ten years ago, I was mainly interested in stopping physical assaults, but over the years, I have become more and more impressed with the damage inflicted by verbal and emotional abuse. Counsellors of abusive men know that physical abuse can be changed quite quickly, but manipulative, hurtful, disrespectful behaviour, although it does improve, changes much more slowly. Often the many varieties of non-physical abuse are not recognized as abuse. As one woman said to me, "It is hard to tackle a problem if you don't even have a name for it." When her doctor named what was happening to her as abuse and told her she didn't have to put up with it, she left... and he began the painful process of recognizing what his demeaning words had been doing to her for so many years. We are currently making a new video about the more subtle forms of abuse and their impact on women. We hope it will be useful in raising awareness, the first step for both those who are abused and those who are trying to change abusive behaviour.

Something that hasn't changed for me is my conviction that violence and abuse are morally wrong and that stopping abuse allows us to regain dignity and self-respect, and the freedom to be as human as possible. That is a noble path.