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Parent Abuse: More Common Than We Think

Dear Editor,

The article on parent abuse in the Winter, 2003 issue recalled my spouse’s and my experiences with our then 15-year-old a few years ago. I blamed myself, as women do, for the over-the-top behaviour and tried to “fix” my parenting. As we realized that our child was abusing every compromise we made, we sought help. Every professional with whom we spoke held us generally, and me specifically, responsible. I left every mediation and counseling session in tears or enraged.

After several months of living with our child’s daily verbal abuse and refusal to abide by any parental guidelines, my spouse and I concluded that this situation was intolerable for us and, more importantly, our younger children. Against the professionals’ advice, we laid down a hard line: accept our authority as parents and treat us with respect or move out.

It was a frightening and potentially tragic choice, yet not making that decision could have been equally tragic for our other children. It was also the beginning of real change. Our child chose to stay, and the daily turmoil slowly abated. Four months later, our child was looking happy again. Six months later, our child thanked us. Two years later, our child is a young adult on the cusp of fulfilling astonishing potential. I count our blessings frequently – and pass judgment on other parents rarely.

In hindsight, I have a few thoughts. First, it is clearer to me now than ever that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting or children’s problems. If professionals are to be of help to families, they must be prepared to assess every situation on its own merits and abandon everything they thought they knew for something different if that’s what the situation calls for.

Second, one of the things I found most astonishing during and since that time is the number of parents who have “been there” but only talk about it with other parents who have been there, too. Why? Because they know that virtually everyone else has been educated to assume that if a child is having problems, it must be the parents’ fault. This kind of judgment is not useful to parents or children.

Third, I believe that, on the whole, our society’s approach to raising children improves with each generation. However, continuing on that course requires constant evaluation of what we have tried, what has worked – and what we believed would work but has not. Anything less than honest, painful, ongoing evaluation does a disservice to all concerned. As parents, my spouse and I go through that process regularly. Now it’s time for anyone who is skeptical about parent abuse to go through it, too.

-Name withheld to protect our children’s privacy.