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Coming Out at Home: Family Acceptance is the Starting Point of Self-Acceptance

Romi Chandra

Family: A group of people close to a person’s life, including biological and chosen relations, who provide unconditional love, caring, and understanding.

So what are young people to do when their families can’t stand to even look at them for who they are? Where do they turn when their friends leave them? Where do they go when they are told that they have no place in their own home?

Many parents have a difficult time understanding youth, let alone youth sexuality and gender identity. Yet some parents are very quick to mistreat their children once they disclose their true selves. One would think these realities might not exist to such harsh degrees in our day and age, but they do. As a youth worker at The Centre, a community centre for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people and allies, we deal with such realities day in and day out. It is disturbing to listen to the stories queer* youth tell about how their own families have abused and/or abandoned them. People rarely think of homophobic responses from family members as abuse. Yet the most significant—and most ignored—form of abuse faced by queer youth is neglect.

What makes families have extreme reactions to the information that one of their children is queer? The quality of pre-existing family relationships is important in determining whether disclosure will be received positively or negatively, although even in supportive families, initial reactions can be emotional, to say the least. Parents’ ideas of queer people are no different than anyone else’s in our society. When a young person comes out, parents tend to react as if the child is purposely trying to hurt them. Common responses include blaming the child, blaming outside influences, and even blaming themselves. Worry about AIDS, the child’s future, and grief over the loss of their own expectations and dreams are fears that many parents experience.

Acceptance by families of colour tends to vary. There is a notion that Asian cultures are more homophobic or transphobic than Western cultures. It is important to fully understand cultures before making such judgments. In Asian cultures, for example, sex is rarely talked about, never mind homosexuality and gender issues. Acceptance by families in Asian cultures is just as varied as it is in the dominant North American culture.

Racism, though, is still an existing fact in our society, and the queer community is not exempt. First Nations youth and youth of colour experience double discrimination. First, it is not uncommon for newcomer communities, sometimes indigenous communities, to be traditional and conservative in their attempts to hold on to their respective cultures against the powerful influences of dominant Canadian society. This may make them even less receptive than Canadian-born families to their child coming out as queer, and increase their child’s shame to an even greater level. At the same time, racist attitudes are as strong in the queer community as in mainstream Canadian culture. Consequently, no matter where these young people turn, they are faced with rejection simply for being who they are. Where are they to turn for support?

Some queer youth end up running away to avoid the tension and abuse arising from coming out. For example, some parents try to restrict the child’s freedom or monitor their ‘ins and outs’ as a way of both punishing them and preventing further ‘contamination.’ A McCreary Centre Society study showed that 15 percent of youth had been physically abused by family members. Thirty-two percent of mothers and 57 percent of fathers either rejected or responded neutrally to their child’s coming out. (A neutral response can be just as damaging as a negative response in a world of unchallenged oppressive behaviour.) Some families still experiment with aversion therapy in an attempt to ‘cure’ their child of his or her sexual orientation. It wasn’t until 1975 that the American Psychological Association removed being queer from the mental disorders list and later went on to state that there was (and is) no evidence that such therapy worked, and that it in fact did more harm than good. Yet, 8 percent of youth reported that their parents had sought services to try and change their sexual orientation. Tears, rejection, and violence are too familiar to adolescent queers.

Social and familial isolation also play tremendous roles in the lives of queer youth. In order to accept themselves and develop good self-esteem, queer youth must first unlearn the negative myths and misconceptions of queer people as perverted, sick, or abnormal. They are usually alone in dealing with this, without role models or opportunities to develop positive relationships that will counteract the negative stereotypes they have learned. Sometimes they start believing these stereotypes; if this happens, they may become suicidal and possibly succumb to this, the leading cause of death among queer youth.

There is a common perception that the high school years can be the best years of people’s lives. This might be true for kids who are white, popular, rich, straight, and male, but few kids who are in any way ‘different’ experience adolescence in this way. In elementary school, children learn to conform. Even very young children use words such as ‘fag’ and ‘dyke’ on the playground and in the classroom—and get away with it.

By the time students reach high school, many of them are using these labels daily to make painful attacks against other youth, straight and gay. In the McCreary Centre study, 82 percent of youth reported hearing homophobic remarks from fellow students. Some queer youth learn to use these words in order to be seen as ‘normal.’ The internalized self-hatred does immeasurable damage. They may become so preoccupied and anxious about their sexual orientation and gender identity that their schoolwork suffers. It is no wonder that queer youth have a difficult time concentrating, and consequently fall behind, fail, or drop out. Adding insult to injury, they may then be punished at home for their failure at school.

Yet no matter how difficult things become at school or with friends, it is their families that youth depend upon most for support. Coming out to their families is one of the hardest things that gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender youth will ever do. As a youth worker, I have seen that courage is what shines through most brightly when they do this. Friends can be judgmental, but our families are by far our harshest critics. It is heartbreaking to hear a young person cry while asking, “Why is this happening to me?” after coming out to their families. Yet in spite of this, young people want to come out to their families. They want to because of the love, trust, and honour they have for their families. It is up to their families to show the same love, trust, and honour for them in return.

* Queer has been used in this article as a positive reclamation of the term. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender folks have often been oppressed by words such as these. Reclaiming this expression in a way that says, “Yes, I am different and there is nothing wrong with that!” can take the power away from the oppressor and place it in the hands of those who refuse to be oppressed.

Romi Chandra has been a youth worker at Gab Youth Services at The Centre for the past five years. He has worked with the most courageous, talented, and resilient youth this province has to offer. Romi can be contacted at 604.684.4901 or by email.

References

McCreary Centre Society (1999) Being Out Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Youth in BC: An Adolescent Health Survey, Burnaby, BC.