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Violence in Inter-Racial Same-Sex Intimate Relationships: Cultural and Socio-Economical Factors Associated with the Vulnerability of Gay Asian Men in Relationships With Caucasian Men

Maurice Kwong-Lai Poon

In this article, I will outline six cultural and socio-economic factors that may leave gay Asian men vulnerable to abuse when they are in relationships with Caucasian men. (In this article I use the term ‘abuse’ as a blanket statement for emotional, physical, and psychological abuse.) In particular, I will explore this issue using Albert Cardarelli’s theory of violence in intimate relationships as a conceptual framework.

According to Cardarelli, the severity and consequences of violence “are influenced by the degree of dependency and symmetry of power that characterize intimate relationships” and that, in turn, is affected by the socio-economic backgrounds and personal characteristics of each member of the couple. Because all relationships exist in a level of reciprocity, they “carry the risk of violence and abuse regardless of the marital status or sexual preference of the partners.” (1997: vii) Hence, this theory is highly relevant to violence in same-sex relationships.

I do not assume that all White men are abusers. Clearly this is not the case; many Asian-Caucasian couples are living in ‘egalitarian’ relationships, and some Asian men abuse their partners. Like women, however, gay Asian men may be more vulnerable to abuse as a result of the socio-economic inequality in our society. Moreover, the cultural and structural factors I outline below may have limited gay Asian men’s power in negotiating with their Caucasian partners or affected, even constrained, the ways in which they negotiate with their partner. However, it does not necessarily mean that they have no power or do not negotiate with their partner at all.

Risk Factors

Homophobia in Asian Cultures

In many Asian cultures, homosexuality is seen as a violation of the rule of nature that consists of two opposite but complementary components such as cold/warm and male/female. Men are also expected to carry their family name from one generation to the next. Threats to this familial responsibility are usually unacceptable. When it is not fulfilled, a man “is regarded as a failure by his family and society.” (Tran, 1993: 3) Homosexuality is thus highly prohibited in many Asian cultures and considered “as a form of social deviance that brings shame and dishonour to the family and the community.” (Sanitioso, 1999: 73)

Not surprisingly, many gay Asian men are unable to accept their sexuality: they “suppress their sexual orientation,” “follow expectations of a heterosexual lifestyle,” “eventually get married and have children.” (Chung and Katayama, 1998: 23) Those who want to maintain their homosexual ‘lifestyles’ either do so secretly, living a double life, or isolate themselves from family and friends in order to avoid having to live a heterosexual lifestyle. Consequently, many experience confusion and shame about their sexuality, and have limited social and family support.

Intimate relationships are a place where love and acceptance can flourish and often are the primary source of sympathy and support for many people. (Weiss, 1979) Many gay Asian men, especially those who experience rejection from their families and communities, rely solely or nearly so on their partners for emotional support and acceptance. This high degree of emotional dependency and social isolation may leave them vulnerable to violence in intimate relationships.

Issues of Professional Assistance and Social Support

Not only is there a lack of social services available in Canada for gay men who experience violence in intimate relationships, but the existing services may be unable to adequately meet the gay Asian victim’s needs. It is well documented that mainstream social services in North America are often inaccessible to people of ethnic-cultural minorities. (eg, Dominelli, 1988) For example, when dealing with Asian clients, many non-Asian workers, especially those with little understanding of Asian cultures, seek help from text books or contemporary social work literature, where most authors assume that all Asians “share a common ethnicity and a common culture.” (Tsang, 2001: 232) This approach not only leads to ‘otherness,’ but may also intensify oppression.

Moreover, gay Asian victims are often very reluctant to seek professional help. In many Asian cultures, “taking care of one’s personal problem indicates greater maturity.” (Chu and Sue, 1984: 24) Family affairs, especially those seen as ‘bad’ for the family or ‘losing face,’ such as violence and homosexuality, are often considered private. Discussing these matters outside the family is strictly prohibited. Because Asian communities are relatively close-knit, individuals are often afraid to seek professional help from the mainstream Asian community for fear of exposure, dishonouring the family name, or being ostracized by their family and other community members. Professional help may either be deemed unnecessary, or not an option for them.

The stereotypical image of men as strong protectors may also prevent them from seeing themselves as victims of violence in intimate relationships and thus from recognizing their partner’s behaviour as abusive. Moreover, many gay Asian men have very limited social support outside the Asian community. Due to cultural differences and sometimes language barriers, they may find it difficult to explain their situation to non-Asians. (Poon and Ho, 2002) Gay Asian men in Western countries are considered to be situated well down the social hierarchy. Many distance themselves from their Asian identity and other Asians as a way to disassociate themselves from the social stigma. Those who are particularly interested in Caucasian men as their potential partners may find “each other as competition for a limited number of Caucasian partners” rather than as comrades. (Ridge et al, 1999: 49 and 58)

As discussed earlier, lack of social support may increase their dependence on their partner for emotional support and thus their risk of experiencing violence in intimate relationships. Many may not want to lose the social and emotional support their partners provide, and that they may not be receiving from other sources. Thus, they do not challenge the abusive behaviour when it occurs. Realizing that there is little help available to them may make gay Asian men “feel immobilized, unable to leave their abusive relationships.” (Califia, 1986: 43)

The Dominant Idea of Beauty and Asian Images in Western Countries

Asian men, usually with smaller bone structure and a ‘softer’ look than Caucasian men, are often considered effeminate: they do not fit the Western idea of male beauty, which firmly upholds the White, upper-middle class, masculine, able-bodied man as the ideal. In the gay community, gay Asian men are also often portrayed as passive, submissive, exotic, bottom, or sometimes even “in the role of servant.” (Fung, 1996: 189) Unsurprisingly, many gay Asian men have internalized negative feelings about themselves and other gay Asian men and prefer—or even obsessively look for—a Caucasian man as a potential partner. There seem to be far fewer “Caucasian men interested in Asian men… in number relative to the number of Asian men,” (Ridge et al., 1999: 57) Because there are more Asian men looking for White guys than vice versa, “those White guys who like Asians are in a buyers’ market” and certainly “in a position to pick and choose.” (McCaskell, 1998: 47) This cultural dynamic may make it very difficult for gay Asian men to challenge their abusive partners when violence occurs. As Gregory Merrill (1996) argues, violence is more likely to occur and more severe when the perpetrator believes that his violent behaviour has no negative consequences for him.

Age Differences

The beauty standard may also have contributed in part to the observable phenomenon that many Asian men in their twenties are in relationships with Caucasian men who are twice their age. Though not yet empirically examined, this issue has been tentatively addressed by some scholars. For example, Gerard Sullivan and Peter A. Jackson write that “[t]here is a common belief among older, White Australians that Asians have greater respect for their elders than do White Australians, and that while it would be difficult for most older, White gay men who are not wealthy to find a White sexual partner much younger than themselves, “Asian” gay men are available.” (1999: 4) They go on to say that, because of the internalized colonialism and the Western ideal standard of beauty, “an older partner is not always a preference, but a reality” for many gay Asian men. (1999: 5)

Although it is difficult to measure the effect of wide age-gap differences on the distribution of power in relationships, some factors may be noteworthy. The older Caucasian partner often has more life experience and is more likely to be financially secure than his younger Asian partner. These factors may give the older Caucasian partner more control over the couple’s environment than his younger Asian partner, and directly affect their power in negotiating with each other. Moreover, in many Asian cultures, parents and the elderly are highly respected and often seen as authorities or leaders. Such respect “involves more than just ordinary politeness; it also involves agreement with the leader’s view or at least abstention from” openly expressing disagreement. (Shulman, 1992: 521) This means that gay Asian men are more likely to obey their older White partners and less likely to challenge abusive behaviour.

Income Disparity and Its Implications in Relationships

It is well documented that racial discrimination in North America restricts employment opportunities for people of colour, particularly new immigrants of colour. For example, an Ontario study found that a White person has three job prospects to every one for a person of colour with the same qualifications. (cited in Christine and Jean, 1991: 17) The US Census Bureau (1998) documented that the median income per capita is much higher for non-Hispanic Whites ($22,952) than for Asians and Pacific Islanders ($18,709).

Though the issue is complex, a spouse’s income is often positively correlated with the power that he or she has in his/her relationship. (Okin, 1989) Also, in many Asian cultures, personal success and accomplishments, especially for men, are often measured in terms of social status, education level, occupation, and wealth. Lower income levels and less creditable occupations may not only affect gay Asian men’s self-esteem, but also constrain their power in negotiating with their partner; this may be particularly true for those who are unemployed or financially dependent on their partners. Many may find it difficult to develop egalitarian relationships with Caucasian partners, who are both socially perceived as more dominant and more financially secure.

Cultural Values of Family

The institution of the family is strongly emphasized in many Asian cultures that stress “interdependence and collectivity. Tasks are taken and plans made with the family in mind.” (Chu and Sue, 1984: 25) Family roles tend to be highly structured along with a gender hierarchy. Many gay Asian men, particularly those raised in highly role-structured families, may thus find the sex-role model important in guiding their relationships. Because there is a lack of positive sex-role models about homosexual relationships in our society, they may use the heterosexual relationship as a model. With family values in mind, they may be more likely to take the female role than their Caucasian partner, who is usually physically stronger and more socially dominant.

Women still “take a secondary role to men” in many Asian cultures. (Chu and Sue, 1984: 26) Loyalty and obedience to fathers and husbands are highly valued. Taking a female role in relationships may mean obedience or subservience to partners. Harmonious relationships are also highly encouraged in Asian families, and it is often incumbent upon the women to maintain them. When violence occurs, gay Asian men may feel responsible for re-harmonizing the relationship. Consequently, they may remain quiet about the abuse or even accept it as a way of keeping the relationship intact and outwardly harmonious.

Conclusion

In this article, which is excerpted from a longer article originally published in the Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, I have outlined six cultural and socio-economic factors that may leave gay Asian men vulnerable to violence when they are in relationships with a Caucasian man. Often there is limited professional help available for them; sadly, accepting the violence or committing suicide may be the only options they perceive.

This calls for actions from researchers, funders, and the general public. Interventions must respond to both individual and societal levels of oppression in order to eliminate violence in intimate same-sex relationships. Clearly, further research is needed to illuminate our understanding of the issues, and to develop appropriate strategies to address them. Redistribution of public resources will be essential to our success in achieving this goal.

Maurice Kwong-Lai Poon is a doctoral candidate in the Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto and is a Chairperson on the Research Advisory Committee, Asian Community AIDS Services, 33 Isabella St., Suite 107, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4Y 2P7 maurice.poon@utoronto.ca

The full version of this article appeared in the Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, vol. 11, no. 4, 2000, pp. 39-67. This article was condensed by the author and is printed with permission from the publisher. Contact the publisher at The Haworth Press, Inc. 10 Alice Street, Binghamton, New York, 13904.

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