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A Significant Challenge: Acknowledging and Addressing Gay Male Relationship Violence

Peter Toppings

If you had asked me a few years ago about relationship violence in gay men’s communities, I would have been the first to say, “What are you talking about? Domestic violence is a heterosexual problem.” Of course, I’d heard stories. It was usually about a friend of a friend who had trouble controlling his anger and would sometimes ‘hit’ his partner during an argument. I remember feeling uneasy when I heard these accounts and not knowing how to respond. It was easiest to dismiss these incidents as rumours or exaggerations.

Through my work at The Centre, my understanding of abuse in gay male relationships has increased significantly. As one of the primary lesbian/gay/transgender/bisexual-serving organizations in BC, The Centre receives calls from both service providers and gay men about relationship violence. Service providers often call when they are at a loss as to how to support gay male clients who are being abused. We also receive calls from gay men who are in abusive relationships (and, occasionally, from abusive partners) and are looking for support and counselling. The unfortunate and disturbing reality is that there are very few resources offering support to gay male victims of domestic violence, and virtually none for abusers.

Silence

The profound silence surrounding same-sex relationship violence poses a significant challenge to those who try to address the problem. Prevailing myths among family, friends, and service providers within both mainstream and gay communities undermine perceptions of the seriousness of same-sex relationship violence. Many gay men internalize these myths, making it difficult for them to identify their experiences as relationship violence. It is also common for gay men in violent relationships to experience a lack of understanding of the seriousness of the abuse when reporting to police officers, counsellors, and/or health care providers. Moreover, given widespread homophobia and heterosexism that have historically characterized many criminal justice systems, many gay men remain reluctant to access police and other mainstream services; the potential for re-victimization is simply too great.

Other significant factors that contribute to maintaining silence about gay male relationship violence include:

• Gay men may fear significant losses if they are forced to ‘come out’—disclose their gay identity—in the course of telling their families, the police, or the courts about what is happening. For example, coming out may cause them to lose family, friends, employment, religious/spiritual community, or child custody and access.
• Many gay men are alienated from their families of origin due to homophobia and heterosexism. Thus they may place even greater value on their relationship with the abusive partner, as he may be their only family or source of support.
• Since the onset of the AIDS epidemic, many gay men have lost large numbers of friends. The circle of supportive friends to whom an abused gay man can turn for help may be small, even non-existent.
• Gay male victims may feel they have no where to turn for help. There is generally no emergency safe housing for gay and bisexual men.

Prevalence

Much of our knowledge about the prevalence of gay male relationship violence is drawn from community surveys, although more methodical research studies are beginning to emerge. The few statistics that exist indicate that gay male relationship violence occurs at significant rates and is a serious health and social problem. For example, consider:

• A recent study from the US indicates that one in five gay men is battered by his partner, and HIV-positive gay men are even more likely to be abused. The findings are based on phone interviews with close to 3000 gay and bisexual men in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York, and Chicago. (Greenwood et al, 2002)
• In a community survey on gay men’s and lesbians’ experiences of violence, which was conducted by The Centre at Vancouver’s Pride Day (2001), 22 percent of gay men surveyed indicated they had been abused by a same-sex partner.
• Vancouver Police Department records indicate that 44 cases of same-sex domestic violence (recorded as homosexual/lesbian) were reported in 2001. An additional category designated ‘close friend,’ with 217 reports, likely includes incidents by same-sex partners that went undisclosed.

Patterns of Abuse

Patterns of abusive behaviour in gay male relationships can be similar to or the same as those practiced by abusive men in heterosexual relationships. Abuse can take many forms and may include physical abuse, isolation, emotional abuse, sexual assaults, economic control, and property destruction. Gay male victims may experience shame, self-blame, physical injuries, short and long-term health problems, sleep disturbances, social withdrawal, poor self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, and/or shock. In these respects, violence in gay male relationships is not unlike violence in heterosexual relationships.

However, circumstances unique to gay men’s lives can make their relationships more vulnerable to abuse. Abusers can use existing homophobia and heterosexism to exert power and control by threatening to ‘out’ their partners—disclose their gay identity without their permission. This is a powerful tool of control because being ‘outed’ can result in many significant losses for a gay man. Similarly, because of the prevalence of HIV/AIDS in gay men’s communities, HIV status can be used as to exert control in a relationship where one or both partners are living with HIV/AIDS. This can be done through threatening to disclose a partner’s HIV status to family, friends, and employers; using a partner’s poor health as an excuse to isolate him; or threatening to infect a partner with HIV.

Gay men may also experience increased vulnerability to abuse because of social isolation, such as when moving to a new city. In fact, it is quite common for gay men to leave communities in which they grew up and move to large urban centres out of a desire to connect with gay communities. They often arrive in cities not knowing anyone and having left their support networks behind. These circumstances may add to the layers of isolation already experienced due to homophobia and heterosexism.

Assessment

In many cases of gay male relationship violence, it is obvious who is the abuser and who is being abused. But in other cases, the situation may not be as clear and a service provider may have real doubts about what is going on. In discussions with service providers, I have become aware of situations in which police have charged the wrong partner with assault, or have charged both or neither partners. This is sometimes due to inexperience on the part of individual police officers and Crown Counsel in assessing the situation. In other cases, male socialization—the idea that men must be strong, powerful, and in control—may cause some gay men who are being abused and who fight back in self-defense, to deny that they are victims.

Where confusion exists, careful assessment of the situation becomes necessary. Although the concept of assessing an individual’s experience of abuse may be difficult, the purpose is to identify the abusive dynamics in the relationship, and to try and identify the abuser and victim, because service to each partner is different. For more information and resources about same-sex relationship violence and the challenges of assessment, contact community organizations such as Safe Choices in Vancouver (see contact information on page 32 of this newsletter) and the Northwest Network (www.nwnetwork.org) in Seattle, Washington.

Legal Rights

In BC, the legal system should respond in the same way to all forms of relationship violence, whether it occurs in heterosexual or same-sex relationships. Protective measures laid out in the Criminal Code, the Attorney General Policy on Violence Against Women in Relationships, and the BC Family Relations Act are available to all individuals regardless of gender and sexual orientation. Gay men in violent relationships are entitled to the same forms of protection as their heterosexual counterparts in both the criminal and civil legal systems. For example, remedies such as peace bonds and restraining orders can offer some protection to gay male victims even if there is little substantial consequence for offenders. The challenges lie in getting individual police officers, Crown Counsel, family lawyers, and judges to acknowledge gay male relationship violence, follow protocols that have been established in policy, and take the steps necessary to ensure the safety of the victim, and prosecution of the abuser.

Final Note

Ending gay male relationship violence requires education within both mainstream and gay communities and the development of appropriate resources and supports. The most important things any of us can do include: acknowledging that relationship violence within gay men’s communities is a serious problem; supporting the abused individual by listening, validating his experiences, and helping him find information and resources; and challenging the behaviours of anyone we know who is being abusive and helping him find the support and resources to change.

Peter Toppings is the Education and Outreach Coordinator at The Centre, A Community Centre Serving and Supporting Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Bisexual (LGTB) People and their Allies. He has delivered numerous anti-homophobia workshops to health care and community service providers, and to students at colleges and universities. Peter is active in coordinating several anti-violence initiatives, including the Network Against Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships and more recently the LGTB Anti-Violence Network. He recently developed a comprehensive resource manual on providing culturally relevant services to LGTB people who have experienced violence.

References

Greenwood, G, Relf, M, Huang, B, Pollack, L, Canchola, J, Catania, J (2002) “Battering victimization among a probability-based sample of men who have sex with men (MSM)” in American Journal of Public Health; 92: 1964-9.

Island, D, and Letellier, P (1991) Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them, Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence, New York: Haworth Press.